Imago Andei

A Prayer

I sometimes find myself in these periods where my soul separates from my body and I see the world around me as a movie.  Things are happening but I watch them as if I were my own stranger. I disappear into the cracks and shadows and engage the world like a stand-in.  I find myself sitting and watching, searching for something that I’m not sure I would even recognize.

I like reflecting but I wonder how much I do this because I can’t handle the world and the people that inhabit it.  I can’t deal with the pain that accompanies life experience.  I can’t handle the sorrow of not truly knowing my father.  I can’t take rejection, humiliation, or shame.  I wonder if I leave and reflect because I am afraid to experience.  I think and I examine because I do not want to feel.

I wonder too if I leave because I am afraid of who I am.  I’m all too aware of the places I fall short.  I’m afraid that I would be rejected, unloved, unaccepted if I let down my guard and lived.

Loneliness frightens me.  And yet the risk of community seems too hard.  I sit well liked, maybe even loved by some, and yet I am lonely.  My life seems bound by fear, of failure, loneliness, and immorality.  I realize all this in the moments I slow down and examine.  It is good in a sad kind of way to realize these things and I hope I can call upon the courage to leave the safety of this inaccessibility and reengage my soul and body, that I will invite others into my story and call out a better one from them. 

I want to experience life fully.  I do not want to anesthetize myself from pain and sorrow and I do not want to quench joy for fear of the vulnerability of happiness.  My soul is thirsty for Your drink.  So pour it out from above.  If you send rain I’ll leave the umbrella behind and lay in the field letting each drop refresh my bare skin.  I want to run through fields and laugh over wine.  I want to sit with friends and share dark nights of the soul.  I want people to know the things about myself that most scare and shame me.  I want to stand confidently before men in my own skin and love others with a purity that reflects you.

I cannot do this alone and that is what scares me the most.  I am incapable.  This is impossible even for me and You.  I need to risk and share and open and trust.

I think I am ready to leave this separation behind and to join my mind, body, and soul.  To truly engage and love those around me and hopefully in that process my soul will be filled.

Mars Hill Tackles the Sermon on the Mount

 I don't think it'd be any surprise to my blog readers that I love Mars Hill.  This church in Grand Rapids, MI has really changed my life and the teaching of Rob Bell never ceases to push me to new levels of spirituality.  They recently started a series based upon the text of the Sermon on the Mount.  It's really been wrecking me in a good way and I wanted to let you all know about it because you should definitely start listening.

To download the podcast and catch up on this great series go here.

God is with the Losers, Failures, and Adulterers

Even though I'm no longer on staff with Axis (be sure to check out the new website I helped design here) I continue to help with their daily devotional project one day a week.  Basically every week day somebody records a video of them opening up some Scripture and talking about it.  It's been going really well and you should feel free to check them out on the Axis Blog.  Well I did today's and I just wanted to share it with you.  I think it's one of the better one's I've done.  Watch it below.

S.O.M.-God is with the Losers, Failures, and Adulterers from Axis on Vimeo.

Every Drop of Water Fills a Bucket

I have a hard time when someone comes up and asks me for money.  I never know what to do.  It seems most practical and efficient to half ignore, mumble a no, and keep walking.  But doesn’t that steal their dignity?  I sometimes try to look them in the eyes but that just makes things harder.

Part of me feels like I should do something, but what should I do?  The world, our city, is full of people shaking a cup or coming up asking for some spare change.  I often times let the enormity of the problem keep me from doing anything.  Because I can’t give to everyone I give to no one.  Because I can’t feed every person I never feed that one person.

I think maybe that that’s what needs to change.  Maybe I need to get away from the largeness of the world’s problems and just try to help one person.  If I took one homeless person to McDonald’s for dinner that doesn’t solve the world hunger crisis but maybe it helps them, for a little while.

It is so disheartening though.  I wish I could do something, even a big something, and just be done with it.  Never have to deal with it again.  But that’s never going to happen.  Every time I walk outside, even if I just fed someone, there will be someone else.  And that is what so often keeps me from doing anything.

But then Jesus didn’t heal everyone either.  He didn’t solve all of the worlds problems.  He didn’t stop hunger, homelessness, disease, natural disasters.  Yes, He did it for some but not all.  I guess it seems like He did it for one person at a time.

Jesus seems to have this capacity to deal with ever person as an individual and never lump them into categories.  He didn’t view the leper as a “disabled person”, he knew him by name.  He viewed him as someone with hopes and dreams, a father and mother, a story.

Often times I feel like I just lump everyone in together.  I don’t see a homeless person as a person with a story and a history.  I just see him as part of an injustice and problem that I can’t solve.  I wish I could but I can’t and so I won’t help you.

I think that needs to change though.  I think I need start focusing on the one.  I probably won’t take out everyone who asks for me money but I need to pay more attention to that tug inside my soul that says, “You, you should help this one.”  Cause if I take care of my ones, and you take care of yours, maybe we could actually take care of everybody.

I made the below video a few months ago and it helps remind me that every person matters.

The Life of John Keyne from Andrew Means on Vimeo.

Retiring into Secretness

Young Adam was always an obedient child.  Something in him shrank from violence, from contention, from the silent shrieking tensions that can rip at a house.  He contributed to the quiet he wished for by offering no violence, no contention, and to do this he had to retire into secretness, since there is some violence in everyone.  He covered his life with a veil of vagueness, while behind his quiet eyes a rich full life went on.  This did protect from assault but it allowed him an immunity.-John Steinbeck East of Eden

I read that this morning and then stopped and read it again because it was so profound.  I believe it speaks to the existence so many of us are living; in secretness and under the veil of vagueness. 

For a lot of us it is because it was the best (or only) way we knew how to get through the abuse of our childhood.  For others they hide because it is the best way to protect themselves from getting hurt or abandoned.

We so often want to hide from the darkness in this world and so we stuff it deep inside and lock it away but we don’t realize that the darkness that has caused us so much pain coming from the world also lives within us.  And when we push the darkness away and lock it up we lose part of ourselves.  Violence is in everyone, he says.

Now I’m not saying that we should succumb to the darkness that resides within, only that we should acknowledge it and look it in the face because until we can do that it holds a power over us.  Until we can acknowledge that the darkness that hurt us coming from someone else also resides in us we will never be able to forgive, we will never be able to heal.

I think a lot of times Christians especially ignore the darkness within.  We Christians are supposed to be holy and loving and caring and we don’t know what to do when our tempers flare or are moral foundation crumbles.  But ignoring the problem is not a solution.  We need to, in the context of a loving community, stare our darkness in the face and say, “I know you but you do not control me.”  By bringing the darkness into the light its power disappears.  Only darkness that remains in the shadows has power over us.

And when we allow the darkness to win we retire into secretness and live under a veil of vagueness and miss out on the life we could be living.

What is the Fear of God???

What is the fear of God?  I’ve struggled with this concept for a long time now.  I’ve heard all of the classic responses.  “It really means to be in awe of God” or “it’s just an understanding of God’s power.”  But more and more I think the fear of God is actually the fear of myself in the presence of God.

A couple weeks ago while I was in CT I bought a new journal.  Journaling is a very important spiritual discipline for me and is the way that I slow myself down to interact with God.  Some of my most precious moments have been with my journal and  I had intentionally gone to CT knowing I needed to take time to slow down, be with God, and journal.

But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. 

I couldn’t slow down.  I didn’t take time to journal.  It was like I was afraid of something.  It was like I was afraid of God.

But as I dug a little beneath the surface I realized it wasn’t God I was afraid of, it was me.  I was afraid of the exposure that comes from slowing down and sitting in God’s presence.  I was afraid of what He might say, what He might reveal.  I was afraid of myself, in the presence of God.

I doubt that that is the true theological meaning of “the fear of God’ but I think it’s a fear a lot of us have.  I think many of us are afraid of what happens when we honestly bring ourselves to God because there is a raw holiness to God’s presence that calls out everything else.  The phrase “Purify by Fire” comes to mind. 

That’s really what prayer, communion with God, should feel like.  It should feel like we are being purified by fire.

Too often I think we turn to God to feel good about ourselves, to unload our burdens without ever allowing Him to engage us, without ever vulnerably exposing ourselves as to a loved one.  I don’t think that’s what God wants.  I think He wants us to openly and authentically bring our full selves to him.  When we do that we will sometimes hit patches of fire.  He’ll sometimes draw us into hard places.  I really think that if we don’t have some level of fear when we come to God then we might be missing out on what God actually wants.  We might not actually be engaging the God we think we are.

I’m not saying prayer will always be a traumatic experience that will never be enjoyed.  Some of the most peaceful, joy-filled moments of my life have been when I’ve felt God by my side.  But there are also times when I enter into His presence with fear and trembling because I know that in the fire of His holiness my impurities will be burned.

Everything Grows

I recently had a conversation with a friend who asked me whether evil was growing in the world.  Whether things are worse today than they used to be?  Now some of you might think that the answer to that question is obvious and I can see where you’re coming from but it’s something I really wrestle with.  There’s just something inside me that doesn’t want to say things are worse now than they use to be.

Now let me tell you why.  (Because I’m sure you’re dying to know.)

See people believe everything follows the laws of entropy, basically things are in decline and leading towards chaos.  Now while I can see that at play in the world around me I’m not comfortable saying that all things follow that view.  It seems very fatalistic and I just can’t by into that world view.

I believe there is another force at play in the world.

I believe the way of the kingdom of heaven is wholly different than that.  I think it’s wrong for us to idealize the good old days because one, they weren’t that good, and two I think things are actually getting better.  I believe that the Kingdom of Heaven is being unleashed in the world and that things are being restored, repaired, and renewed.

There are two forces at play in the world, not just one.  So while things do seem to be getting worse I also believe that the Kingdom of God is being unleashed in hidden and unseen ways.

As we were having this discussion we met with an older gentleman and brilliant scholar and we posed the question to him and his answer was brilliant.  “Everything grows.”  Everything grows.  It’s so simple yet insightful.  Yes, while the potential for and realized evil in the world is more potent so is the kingdom of heaven and the good that can be done in the world.

It’s not an either/or answer, it’s a both/and. 

So we must ask ourselves, what are we growing?  Are our lives watering the mustard seeds of the kingdom of heaven or are we participating in the increasing evil in the world?  Because, everything grows.

Photo Credit-Adam Baker

Should we kick people out of the church for sleeping around???

For the last several months I've participated in helping shoot daily devotional videos for Axis.  This week we're in 1 Corinthians chapter 5 and I posted this video.  It's gotten a lot of response and I'd be interested in your thoughts.

Should we kick people out of church for sleeping around??? from Axis on Vimeo.

Just Dance

So I came across that video this morning and it really impressed me. This one guy influenced everyone around him. I can't believe that in just 3 minutes he went from dancing by himself to literally drawing a crowd of hundreds!

It made me think, are we dancing a contagious dance? Are we inspiring and inviting others around us to join in and dance? Are we even dancing ourselves?

I think so often we dance timidly and in hiding because we don't want anyone to see. Dancing can be a vulnerable thing but we need to dance boldly. By dancing boldly this guy was able to change his environment.

Throughout Scripture faith is referred to as a dance and I think this is exactly the kind of dance it is talking about; bold, inviting, sometimes silly, and one that changes the environment around us. Just as this lone dancer soon drew others into the dance our faith should be lived out in such a way that others are drawn to it.

So why do we so rarely see this happen? Why do we so rarely see the environment around us changed and beautifully transformed into a joyous dance?

So today on your commute home, while your eating your lunch in the breakroom, or going out to dinner this evening just try dancing and see what happens.

Moving Beyond Religion-My First Podcast!!!

I taught last month at Axis' worship experience on Jesus' invitation to move beyond religion.  I think it's one of the best talks I've given.  I really like how everything tied together and I'd love for you all to listen to it.  You can check it out here. 

 Before I got up the video below played so that might help provide some context.

 

Chris Siebold from Axis on Vimeo.

The Safety of Anonymity

My wife and I just moved into a wonderful two bedroom apartment in Bucktown, a neighborhood on the north west side of Chicago.  Most of the places we’ve lived have been apartment buildings where no one really cares about or takes care of you.  While this anonymity can sometimes be frustrating, like when you’re afraid you’re ceiling is going to cave in because of all the water stains that are rapidly appearing, it is comfortable.

 

Our new apartment, however, is a single family home with the owner living right upstairs.  He has been so nice, fixing things right away, and has been very excited for us to move in.  While this seems great, it makes me really uncomfortable.  You would think I would be ecstatic to have a landlord who fixes broken dishwashers and helps to hang shelves but you would be wrong.  I prefer the distant landlord whom I can remain anonymous too.

 

I know.  I’m messed up.

 

I’m comfortable with anonymity.  I like boundaries and professionalism, basically nice words for people leaving me alone.  I, and I think a lot of us, our so afraid of what people will think if they “really” knew us that we create these barriers and walls to protect ourselves and remain anonymous to people and never experience true intimacy, that deep feeling of being known.

 

What’s interesting is that this is the gift that God offers.  What is more intimate than interacting with a being who created you, knows everything about you, and sees everything you do?

 

While that relationship can be intensely scary I’ve never felt as much freedom as in the moments when I’ve grasped the level of intimacy I have with God and how much He still loves me.  There is nothing more beautiful than when someone penetrates our walls and our junk is laid bare and they still choose to love us.

 

I experienced that when I first met my wife Tovah.  She was unlike anyone I had ever met before and she had this way of seeing right through my walls penetrating my heart.  She has seen the worst in me and still chooses to love me.

 

I still throw up walls and am more comfortable remaining “professional” with people but God is working on me.  He has given me friends, community, and a wife that help me choose intimacy and He keeps penetrating my heart with his loving acceptance of who I truly am.

 

So join me in leaving the comfort of anonymity for the freedom of intimacy.  

Call & Response

Sorry I haven't been blogging much this week.  All my energy has gone into getting ready for our screenings of Call & Response this weekend.  For the last few months I've been working on getting ready and it was so great to have it finally here and it went amazing.

Friday night we had over 730 people here at Willow to see the film and my interview with Justin Dillon, the man behind the movie.  It was a powerful night.  I think for many of the people there it was the first time there eyes were opened to the realities of modern day slavery and hundreds of people engaged the next steps we had set up.

My prayer going into the weekend was that it would be a course altering experience.  That people around Willow would have their heart broken for this horrendous reality and that all of the horsepower of Willow would get behind this issue.  I was surprised though by how much it affected me.  I've heard many of these stories and read the books and seen the movies but something changed in me this weekend.  I need to do more and it was so great to spend time with Justin and others who are out fighting for justice and hear their stories and see how I could get involved.

So thanks to all of you who made it out, it meant a lot to me and I'm sure I'll have some more stories coming up about how I engage the fight for justice.

Richard Stearns-The Hole In Our Gospel

If you have ever wrestled with what God expects of us then you better go out and pick up Richard Stearns' The Hole In Our Gospel.  Richard is the president of World Vision, one of the largest humanitarian organizations in the world, and in this book he shares some of his story of coming to World Vision and why most of us are living with a hole in our gospel.

I often have wrestled through questions of what God expects of us regarding the poor.  I believe to my core that I should leverage what God has given me to benefit the bottom half but it is often a struggle.  I am easily drawn towards comfort, security, and wealth.  So as I read Richard's story I was at once deeply encouraged to see someone else wrestling with these issues and challenged at the decisions he was able to make.

Before coming to World Vision, Stearns found great success in the business world.  At age 33 he became the President of Parker Brothers and eventually went on to become the President & CEO of Lenox, the fine china company.  It was while he was at Lenox that he was approached by World Vision whom he had no interest in.  Through an amazing series of events chronicled in the book he eventually, and somewhat hesitantly, took the job of President at World Vision.

Beyond telling his story, The Hole In Our Gospel, speaks to all Christians abou missing the works side of our faith.  We have become so focused on being saved by grace that we have forgotten we have also been saved for good works.  If you have never read about poverty in our world this book will inform you and if you are already informed this book will help you live differently.

The Hole In Our Gospel will encourage and inspire you to live out your faith fully.  It will challenge you to sacrifice on behalf of the world's poorest and fully embrace all that God has for your life.  It is definitely a book worth picking up today.

Without Words

The last couple of months I've found myself coming to God without words.  I've opened up my journal and not known what to write.  It's like my soul has dried up and I have nothing to give, I just sit there.  It got to the point where I started feeling bad about it.  I mean when we pray we're supposed to talk right?

But lately I've been thinking otherwise.  It's not that words are bad, just not always necessary.  I feel like I'm bringing my whole self to God and I can't put that into words.  I've brought myself hoping to connect spirits.  I mean isn't that what prayer should be about?  Us connecting our spirit to God's?  

So if you find yourself going to God without words be encouraged.  You're not alone.  Sometimes it's hard to put our spirits into language and you just need to hope that something mystical takes over.  I mean it is pretty mystical, us connecting our spirits to God's.  But I think that's what happens.  So today as you pray, if you have words, let them flow, but if you are without words rest in the promise that God is with you and will always refresh your soul.

Richard Rohr-Everything Belongs

So I finally finished Everything Belongs.  I've been reading it for a few months because literally every paragraph has some sort of gem I need to wrestle with.  Rohr has become one of theologians lately and I love the way He views God and spirituality.  Everything Belongs dives into meditation, mysticism, and contemplative prayer to help us identify the heart of God and see how Everything Belongs.

I'd definitely recommend the book to anyone who wants to learn more about the mystical view of the Christian faith.  It's something that has been lost in most evangelical circles and Rohr does an amazing job of opening our eyes to all that we're missing.

Andrew Marin-Love Is An Orientation

Tomorrow night I get the pleasure of interviewing Andrew Marin, author of the recently released Love is an Orientation.  I have to say I totally recommend this book.  Andrew is the founder of the Marin Foundation which exists to build bridges between the LGBT and church communities.  He is a wonderful thinker and has fully given himself to this issue.

The church has not loved the GLBT community well and Andrew is helping to change that.  Love is an Orientation is a great book to read if you're interested in how bridges can be built between these two communities.  It's well written and a pretty quick read.  It is very informational and applicable but also stretching.  It really challenges all of our preconceived notions and invites us to elevate the conversation.

So if you're in Chicago-land come and check out our In The Hot Seat event with Andrew Marin.  Tomorrow, Wednesday, night at 8pm in Cafe 20 @ Willow Creek Church.  67 E Algonquin Road, South Barrington, IL

But all of you check out Andrew's book, Love is an Orientation or visit his blog.

Stillness

I took a soul care day today.  I hit pause and spent awhile in silence, reading, and contemplation.  It was very refreshing.  I needed a day to be reminded of Christ's unceasing love.  I've found myself in a period of trying to achieve love and feeling undeserving of it.  I'm in one of those places where it's hard for me to imagine why God would love me and so I just needed some space to experience it.

No verses came to mind and I didn't hear His voice too clearly but I spent a lot of time just being still.  Letting the choppy waters of my soul begin to settle.  I think I'm going to take some time tomorrow morning and continue to dive deeper.  I am just so desperate to experience His love.  My heart has been anxious lately and I need to experience the simple truth of existence.  I am alive.  I am alive.  I just need to slow down to experience life.

Silence has become one of my favorite spiritual disciplines.  I don't do enough of it though.  Over the summer I got to the point where I could spend good chunks of time in totally silence and stillness allowing myself to become almost empty so I could be filled with the Spirit.  This morning it was hard for me to make it through ten minutes of stillness.

Where are you at?  What disciplines fill you up?

March Worship Experience

This is a video I put together from our worship experience this Friday night.  It was a very powerful night and this monologue Jon gave at the end of his talk was very powerful.


March Experience Glimpses from Axis on Vimeo.

Esse Quam Videri

I've begun being the main writer for the Generation Axis Blog which is why the posts aren't as frequent over here but I wanted to share this post with you because it's what has been on my heart and mind a lot lately.

Esse Quam Videri-To be rather than seem.

That's our goal right?  To be rather than seem to be.  But that is also the high challenge of all people.  We are so easily wrapped up in appearance that it is hard to just exist, to be.  We always follow the word be with something.  I want to be...courageous, attractive, successful, rich, holy.  We are constantly striving to be something that we never stop and embrace who we are.  We never slow down to just being.

Being requires an acceptance of the present which is a frightening thing to do.  Acceptance of the present seems so final.  We are so caught up in not liking who we are now that we need the hope that change is possible.  We need to be able to say today I might not be great but I'm working on it and tomorrow I'll be better.

Today, try and slow down and just be for a minute.  Be in the presence of God, bring your whole self, good and bad before God and allow Him to love you.  Embrace who you are because you are loved. 

Fore more on this stuff check out Abba's Child or Surrender to Love.

Bill Hybels-Just Walk Across the Room

I finished Bill Hybels' Just a Walk Across the Room today.  I have to say it is probably the best book of his that I've read.  I really was more impressed than I even thought I would be.  The book dives into the topic of evangelism and his approach is actually really good.

I think often times evangelism models leave a lot to be desired and dehumanize the whole process.  Bill has created a "model" that is based on relationship and doesn't come across manipulative.  It's based on the 3D's, develop a friendship, discover a story, discern next steps.

If you are at all interested in learning what it looks like to share your faith I'd definitely recommend Just a Walk Across the Room.