I sometimes find myself in these periods where my soul separates from my body and I see the world around me as a movie. Things are happening but I watch them as if I were my own stranger. I disappear into the cracks and shadows and engage the world like a stand-in. I find myself sitting and watching, searching for something that I’m not sure I would even recognize.
I like reflecting but I wonder how much I do this because I can’t handle the world and the people that inhabit it. I can’t deal with the pain that accompanies life experience. I can’t handle the sorrow of not truly knowing my father. I can’t take rejection, humiliation, or shame. I wonder if I leave and reflect because I am afraid to experience. I think and I examine because I do not want to feel.
I wonder too if I leave because I am afraid of who I am. I’m all too aware of the places I fall short. I’m afraid that I would be rejected, unloved, unaccepted if I let down my guard and lived.
Loneliness frightens me. And yet the risk of community seems too hard. I sit well liked, maybe even loved by some, and yet I am lonely. My life seems bound by fear, of failure, loneliness, and immorality. I realize all this in the moments I slow down and examine. It is good in a sad kind of way to realize these things and I hope I can call upon the courage to leave the safety of this inaccessibility and reengage my soul and body, that I will invite others into my story and call out a better one from them.
I want to experience life fully. I do not want to anesthetize myself from pain and sorrow and I do not want to quench joy for fear of the vulnerability of happiness. My soul is thirsty for Your drink. So pour it out from above. If you send rain I’ll leave the umbrella behind and lay in the field letting each drop refresh my bare skin. I want to run through fields and laugh over wine. I want to sit with friends and share dark nights of the soul. I want people to know the things about myself that most scare and shame me. I want to stand confidently before men in my own skin and love others with a purity that reflects you.
I cannot do this alone and that is what scares me the most. I am incapable. This is impossible even for me and You. I need to risk and share and open and trust.
I think I am ready to leave this separation behind and to join my mind, body, and soul. To truly engage and love those around me and hopefully in that process my soul will be filled.